Sheriffs' Blotter

Traffic Stops

Several residents and passers-by have been apprehended over the past weeks speeding through the Village Square. Violators who did not repent and pay penance were stoned, as is customary.
 Sheriff's Officers caution that all transgressors can expect similar treatment.

Dangerous Purse

A Hammertown Road resident reported a snake in her front yard. Sheriff's Officers arrived to find a brown ladies handbag in the grass. The bag was taken to the Sheriff's  Office for questioning. When it was determined that the bag was an inanimate object with no serpentine affiliations, it was released to the town thrift shop for relocation.

Bites Prompt Calls for Help

Several Village residents have called 911 Emergency to report mosquito and deer tick bites. The callers feared West Nile and Lyme disease infection, along with other imbalances of bodily humours. Sheriff's Office Safety Chief Ted Tompkins cautioned residents, "911 Emergency calls are not necessary for insect bites. If you feel you have been infected, contact Village Shaman Milo Landsdowne to arrange for cleansing rituals." Villagers are advised to procure the necessary livestock from the town livery before contacting the Shaman. Chickens are available for 172 shekels and goats for 288 shekels. These animals are for ceremonial use only.

Suspicious Luggage

The State Bomb Disposal Unit responded to a call from Irwin's Grocery Market. It seems a suitcase was left near the store's entrance. Fearing the worst, Mr. Irwin called authorities. After the bag was destroyed by a robotically triggered controlled detonation, the Sheriffs found a name tag that lead to the O'Reilly boy, a known trouble-maker around  these parts. He claimed that he used the suitcase to transport soda bottles to the store to collect bottle deposits. Store employees confirmed that O'Reilly did redeem some bottles for deposit money. O'Reilly was caned four times by Sheriff's Officers for being a public nuisance and sent home, to bed, without supper.

Hill People Learn Important Lesson

Upon hearing rumors of ill doings transpiring up the Hill, Sheriffs investigated to find at least a dozen residents of those parts torn limb from limb. "I don't know what devilry they were up to," reported Chief Sheriff Lazlo Backus, "but let that be a lesson to the rest of the Hill People to stay out of that kind trouble."

Odd Visitor meets Village Woman

Betsy Malone, wife of Elder Dondace Malone, of Harmony Lane called 911 Emergency last Tuesday when she discovered a strange man in her utility shed. Sheriff's Officers arrived to find Ms. Malone having coffee in her kitchen with one Mr. Topkoo Alkanor, purported time traveler.  Mr. Alkinor claimed to have arrived from the year 10,146 CE through a rift in the space-time continuum. Officers inspected the shed and found a preter-natural vortex hitherto unknown in these parts. Officer Randy McGillicutty thrust his head into the gyre in order to investigate it. His fellow officers report that his head seemed to disappear from this earthly realm. McGillicutty withdrew his head after a few moments and exclaimed , " I have surely seen wonderments beyond my poor abilities to describe!" Officers were prepared to charge and execute Mr. Alkinor for unauthorized chicanery, but released him to Ms. Malone's custody in exchange for a donation to the Widows and Orphans Fund of several hundred carats of flawless gemstones. Mr. Alkinor was able to produce the precious jewels using a device in his possession. He placed a large quantity of dog feces in the device. Upon triggering the devices function, it began to whirr and pop electrically, emitting a sharp odor of ozone. The device then issued forth diamonds, rubies and emeralds the size of hen's eggs.

Compiled by from the Sheriff's Blotter and Scuttlebutt discussed at the tavern by the Elders.